you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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