Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
