I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
