mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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