Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
