I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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