A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
