last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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