just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
