Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
