flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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