scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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