I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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