Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
