seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
