I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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