We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
