weddingsv make me drug and hornr
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
