so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
