They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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