You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
