Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
