I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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