i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
