I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
