I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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