Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
