hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My bed smells like the plague
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
