just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
