Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My vagina is very pro this idea
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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