My cat gives me a boner
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
