and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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