I cannot find my penis.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
