Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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