I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
