Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
