What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
