he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
