Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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