apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Still dying that you shit outside
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
