Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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