I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
