My nipple is on Facebook.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
