threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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