If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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