walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm really busy with my period
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