you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
