I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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