two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
