At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I will be naked everywhere
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Success! We fucked roommates!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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