I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Boobs speak an international language.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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