and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
