i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
