All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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